Take A Chance
So I was in the shower this morning, having a glass of cranberry juice wishing it had a little more ting to it while washing my hair, and I thought "wouldn't it be great if I had a man to do this for me?"
I mean wash my hair, not drink.. I can do that myself...
So after heading outside and kicking some homeless people out of my way so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with her tongue before I spit it out forgetting I hated coffee but there was a cute guy in there and wanted his number but he turned out to be gay. :(
The guy next to him slipped me his number though which I gave to the cashier in exchange for 10% off the coffee I didn't want anymore.
I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my brother was getting any work... then opened up my public pages and started to write.
So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun... Let me give you some more ammunition...
While surfing in Melbourne Beach last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared her board with fish guts left over from 3 months before when I forgot to clean out the cooler. Once she was attacked, I pulled her from the water... I'm a goddamn hero!
I've never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to Open Mics, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Just kidding.... who pays for tickets at Open Mic's these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas?
I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of sugar, so don't try and double cross me like my first husband God rest his soul.
Poor bastard got ripped apart by wild hogs in the compound near Bayside Lakes :(
Everyone hates memes... but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the hell up and use a picture instead of going on and on and on.
If we all did that, there would be less to read and we would have more time to do better things like play Uno. Then again, Hollywood would probably start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine to my parent's chubby Greek pool guy... how come no one makes a movie about that? I should be rich right now on the big screen getting 60% every time you see me.
My agent thinks I'm an asshole. Partially because I never pay her. Oh wait sorry the other way around. that's why she in prison and I'm writing this myself.
I'm really bad with names so if I call you something other then what you where named by be grateful it could be worse. At least if we running from zoombies you will know your gonna die quick when I scream here eat this one and push you towards them but I promise to tell everyone you didn't scream as they are eating your intestines. I will tell them you saved me and you will look like a hero for a few minutes as everyone showers me with love since I'm safe now.
If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Rick or Daryle (The Walking Dead), don't be offended I really like The Walking Dead now. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don't call... it's cause some nice family in the 'burbs is getting non-stop stalking calls at 2am in your place, sorry blame it on the "Girl Scout Cookies" :p
I get mistaken for Nancy McKeon almost everywhere I go. Not Nancy McKeon the actor, Nancy McKeon the assistant at Home Depo off 95 Goooooo Home Depo !!! Lowes Sucks !!!
Now, since all peeps online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don't you love that?), I'll do the same.
Don't be blonde. I'm bored of blondes (like any of you are really blonde anyway... pfft... Grow some self-confidence and go back to your natural color grey or white only females should dye their hair. I'm in the process of going pink.
Sure blondes have more fun... but brunettes, redheads and baldy's try harder, and I respect a man who puts some effort in, and blondes just have it too easy.
I don't care where you live as long as the cardboard box in the alley is waterproof and we have a window so when you fart I can breathe.
I like to travel anywhere and actually planning a trip to Arizona to go chill with some badazz aliens, want to go ??? (No Joke).
Have some munchies and a blunt waiting for me when I get there and I'll jump on a plane anywhere.
Well actually you have to come to me I'm a broke female but I have a small tub of ice cream and my roommate bags of chip's.
He won't mind I already ate his lemon chocolate cookies.
I would prefer if you ARE married and your wife is kool with hanging out with THE AWESOME MAGALINA MASSO.... Look... I'm not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your dog. You should have a steady wife or girlfriend for that. I just want to hang out no sex, no kissing just someone to start trouble with 0-0 plus sex is so messy and I take a shower once a day it's too much work so your safe.
I'm like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)... but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on!
Well... thats it for me.
PS. If I've piqued your curiosity, you should know that its Ok for you to email me. I wont tell your friends, family, husbands, wifes or watever your into that you've been browsing personals... and don't you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk? Plus they already know I helped them put a tracking device in your phone. ;)
PPS: Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a sexy bathing suit, but failing that firefighter outfits will work and failing that track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work. Can't go wrong with that dirty, greasy real man look unless your like that grey guy in 50 shades of grey but it has to be a suit anything else is unacceptable.
PPPS: Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since "the bank incident" but state I am still unable to go near a bank or open a account online but at least they still let me carry a knife even after I stabbed my ex near his balls but it was a accident so your safe.
Talk To You Later
Hugzzz Maggzz
I mean wash my hair, not drink.. I can do that myself...
So after heading outside and kicking some homeless people out of my way so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with her tongue before I spit it out forgetting I hated coffee but there was a cute guy in there and wanted his number but he turned out to be gay. :(
The guy next to him slipped me his number though which I gave to the cashier in exchange for 10% off the coffee I didn't want anymore.
I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my brother was getting any work... then opened up my public pages and started to write.
So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun... Let me give you some more ammunition...
While surfing in Melbourne Beach last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared her board with fish guts left over from 3 months before when I forgot to clean out the cooler. Once she was attacked, I pulled her from the water... I'm a goddamn hero!
I've never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to Open Mics, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Just kidding.... who pays for tickets at Open Mic's these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas?
I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of sugar, so don't try and double cross me like my first husband God rest his soul.
Poor bastard got ripped apart by wild hogs in the compound near Bayside Lakes :(
Everyone hates memes... but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the hell up and use a picture instead of going on and on and on.
If we all did that, there would be less to read and we would have more time to do better things like play Uno. Then again, Hollywood would probably start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine to my parent's chubby Greek pool guy... how come no one makes a movie about that? I should be rich right now on the big screen getting 60% every time you see me.
My agent thinks I'm an asshole. Partially because I never pay her. Oh wait sorry the other way around. that's why she in prison and I'm writing this myself.
I'm really bad with names so if I call you something other then what you where named by be grateful it could be worse. At least if we running from zoombies you will know your gonna die quick when I scream here eat this one and push you towards them but I promise to tell everyone you didn't scream as they are eating your intestines. I will tell them you saved me and you will look like a hero for a few minutes as everyone showers me with love since I'm safe now.
If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Rick or Daryle (The Walking Dead), don't be offended I really like The Walking Dead now. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don't call... it's cause some nice family in the 'burbs is getting non-stop stalking calls at 2am in your place, sorry blame it on the "Girl Scout Cookies" :p
I get mistaken for Nancy McKeon almost everywhere I go. Not Nancy McKeon the actor, Nancy McKeon the assistant at Home Depo off 95 Goooooo Home Depo !!! Lowes Sucks !!!
Now, since all peeps online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don't you love that?), I'll do the same.
Don't be blonde. I'm bored of blondes (like any of you are really blonde anyway... pfft... Grow some self-confidence and go back to your natural color grey or white only females should dye their hair. I'm in the process of going pink.
Sure blondes have more fun... but brunettes, redheads and baldy's try harder, and I respect a man who puts some effort in, and blondes just have it too easy.
I don't care where you live as long as the cardboard box in the alley is waterproof and we have a window so when you fart I can breathe.
I like to travel anywhere and actually planning a trip to Arizona to go chill with some badazz aliens, want to go ??? (No Joke).
Have some munchies and a blunt waiting for me when I get there and I'll jump on a plane anywhere.
Well actually you have to come to me I'm a broke female but I have a small tub of ice cream and my roommate bags of chip's.
He won't mind I already ate his lemon chocolate cookies.
I would prefer if you ARE married and your wife is kool with hanging out with THE AWESOME MAGALINA MASSO.... Look... I'm not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your dog. You should have a steady wife or girlfriend for that. I just want to hang out no sex, no kissing just someone to start trouble with 0-0 plus sex is so messy and I take a shower once a day it's too much work so your safe.
I'm like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)... but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on!
Well... thats it for me.
PS. If I've piqued your curiosity, you should know that its Ok for you to email me. I wont tell your friends, family, husbands, wifes or watever your into that you've been browsing personals... and don't you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk? Plus they already know I helped them put a tracking device in your phone. ;)
PPS: Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a sexy bathing suit, but failing that firefighter outfits will work and failing that track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work. Can't go wrong with that dirty, greasy real man look unless your like that grey guy in 50 shades of grey but it has to be a suit anything else is unacceptable.
PPPS: Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since "the bank incident" but state I am still unable to go near a bank or open a account online but at least they still let me carry a knife even after I stabbed my ex near his balls but it was a accident so your safe.
Talk To You Later
Hugzzz Maggzz
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